Archive | June 2011

…I PUT THE “MENTAL” IN JUDGMENTAL

…I PUT THE “MENTAL” IN JUDGMENTAL

6/23/11

5 PM

 

How am I?

 

Uh…

 

I’m getting there…up days, down days. Pain days.

I’m tired.

 

…Tired a LOT.

 

Anxious.

 

Antsy.

 

On the other hand, I’m feeling more connected.

Perky. Er.

 

Less labile and more stable.

 

Hey! If you say it like this, it rhymes:

Lay-bile.

Stay-bile.

 

…Okay-bile.

(That just made NO sense.)

 

Eh!

 

…I just had brain surgery.

 

Cut me some slack!

 

 

Kevin visited last week.

Caregiver # …7?

 

I lose track.

(…I just had brain surgery!)

 

He was wonderful. It was amazing to feel cared for and so … Not judged.

(He’s had some practice. …Kimberly, rest in peace, darling.)

 

Oh.

 

And hysterical.

 

Speaking of the funny, I think I kind of left myself open for a gentle ribbing when I whined, after – well, whining all day –

 

“Give me a break.

…I just had brain surgery!”

 

….Kevin, ever pithy, retorted,

 

“Yeah! Six months ago…”

(Smartass.)

 

Yup.

 

It was a total wake up call though.

 

Six months.

 

Jeez.

 

…When did that happen?

 

So.

Yeah.

He and the boys took great pleasure in ribbing* me.

 

A LOT.

 

It was a fun dynamic…

The brain surgery joke wore thin, though.

As in, I heard it once and sulked for a few hours.

And no one noticed.

 

Don’t you HATE THAT???

 

(I’m too sensitive. I know it.

I mean, *really.*)

 

So yeah.

 

I’m … tired.

Yup.

 

I swear, I FEEL 3, 4 decades older than I am.

 

What with the cane and oxygen tank, the DME in garage (walkers, wheelchairs, leg braces), ….the garage.

-I could’ve stopped at Oxygen Tank.

 

But really!!

 

Garage Drama.

 

What a great metaphor.

Over years, people accumulate stuff. Clutter. Mismatched plates. Speakers, old cables and tangled up wires.

Board games. DVDs. Workout gadgets, rusty old weights. Bicycles with punctured tires.

They plan to clean it, to get organized. They procrastinate.

There are birthdays. Holidays. Affairs.

-Bashes, I mean.

Life is, simply, in session.

 

…Then one day, many many years later, they open the door, and the clutter falls on them.

 

Maybe they … Break a hip.

The kiss of death.

 

Or less dramatically, they open the door one day and realize they can’t.

 

It won’t open.

 

Or even less dramatically, they open the door one day and –

They *can’t* do it.

They’re too tired.

And their knees hurt.

But Other Than That…

 

… People say I look more …vibrant?

More “me” I guess.

 

I’m taking more care with my appearance.

I’m trying new things.

 

I am walking with Ted and Benny.

 

Rick and I go to “Norms” for dinner.

 

Josh (Punk let) comes over on Tuesdays to give Ted and Rick respite.

 

JD spends his days off here.

…Making me eat.

And sleep.

 

(Good times. God bless that one. Really. Like I’m an infant. Sleeping. …….That’s gotta be F-U-N.)

 

Um….

 

Jules and I have lunch on the odd Friday.

 

Erica comes over every Thursday night. Often, Kelly does, too.

 

Mom and I have started Skyping.

 

I’m losing weight.

(Insert Angels Singing Here:

“Laaaaaaaaa!!!”)

 

My clothes are falling down.

Or off.

 

This would fall under the category of “Quality Problem.”

 

Um…

 

..I did Sun Salutations A & B on Tuesday. And didn’t fall on my face.

 

….Oh! Oh! Oh!

 

Speaking of Yoga…

 

Michelle is flying here from Mass. to spend a few days doing yoga therapy with me.

 

OMG.

 

…And she’s buying her ticket out of a special fund that’s reserved for people in need, with limited means.

(That would be me.)

 

I’m pushing myself to do more and test my limits.

 

(They are still far too close for my comfort.)

 

So….

 

I’m less judgmental of myself and more loving now.

…I try to just take it as it comes.

 

It’s easier to do this when “it” doesn’t involve scary medical tests followed by Appts with MDs whose news is nebulous at best and just plain NOT WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING, at worst.

 

I think my overall spiritual prognosis is good.

 

…But I still put the mental in judgmental.

 

Ha! Good line. (note to self:

Gotta use that in a blog/song/book/instructional dvd. (lol))

 

Conversely, one could say I put the “Judge” in Judgemental.

 

Man.

 

I’m really *not* coming out ahead here, am I?

 

Nice.

 

“Easier on myself,” huh?

 

There’s a fine line between self-deprecation and self-absorption.

I should know: I’m riding it.

 

xox

B

MIND SONG

“MIND SONG”

6.23.11 7:21 AM

Savoring my last moments in bed.

Absorbing the Melody of Morning.

 

Serene mind.

Senses, heightened.

Sensuous Rituals.

 

Smooth skin, crisp linens.

Limbs outstretched.

Sunlight, emboldened by hanging crystals.

 

Windchimes.

A Sweet breeze.

 

 

The blur of Hummingbirds feeding among Lilies and Geranium.

 

Benny: up dog, down dog (prelude to a walk).

 

Heady, the scent of just-cut grass.

Coffee percolating.

Cutlery tapping against porcelain.

 

Birdsong: aggression, seduction, discussion.

…From the east, chittering, chirps, clicks.

…From the West, whistles and whimpers.

 

At first the voices are distinct.

But as they wash over me, soon, they become a symphony.

…Like the first Wailing of Emergency vehicles screaming along city streets, their origins unclear, all I hear is sound without direction.

 

Dissonance.

Beauty.

 

Delicate sonic waves, reaching out to the day, to the sky, to each other:

 

Arpeggios, stacatto and legato.

Tweeting in rapid-fire.

 

Save for one – My favorite bird, my favorite song, whose memory takes me back to the summers of my childhood.

 

The haunting call of the Whippoorwill.

 

This needs no direction, no point of origin.

 

Only the gentle coo, coo, coo; the tender twirl and twill, and oh, the lovely, arching sigh.

 

For me, days like these need no aides, no external cues.

 

No.

 

It is the magic of slumber proper, followed by stillness of thought and action.

 

On such perfectly unchoreographed mornings? Really.

 

Who needs an alarm clock?

xox

B

SAME DAY, DIFFERENT DUDE.

6/21/11 Happy Solstice

2:45 PM

“SAME DAY, DIFFERENT DUDE.”

I’m at UCLA.

Again.

*This* Neuro Appt is to review results of last Weeks’ Neuroimaging.

Goal of which is to determine why I’m having more LEFT-sided TIA’s.

But FIRST!

Guinea Pig Time!

(Intake Questions with another New Guy.)

Yep.

Before I can see my MD, I gotta get thru the latest Fellow. Argh!

This means having to answer the same damn queries, asked 16 different ways, repeated like ten times.

Ah, but “this is a teaching institution.”

So, they are here to learn.

…I’m here to learn.

… Why is it * they’re* the pinheads getting paid?

Oh well.

Same S!*T!, Different Dude.

Oy.

xox

B

BOOM, BOOM, POW

“BOOM, BOOM, POW”

 

1 June, 2011

After spending the past two days in agony, in pain, in bed, getting up today and *staying up* … it’s like I’ve risen from the dead.

7:30 am? How *you* doin?

***

9:46 am.

So far, so good.

Breakfast?

Made it all by myself.

Totally maxed out on oatmeal, with fresh fruit. And peanut butter toast.

-I *even* cut up my own banana.

-Which, if you’ve been here lately, you know is a big “no no.”

(Me and sharp knives do not a pair make.)

…And I ate it – now, this is just crazy- at the dining table.

(as opposed to my bed side table…)

***

11:11 am

Okay.

Gotta sit down.

I just walked almost a mile. 

-Take THAT, cluster headaches!

Ooooh. I’m feeling feisty.

Uh Oh!

…Sound effect urge coming on…

Insert Comic Book “POW!!!”

& “ZAP!!!”

(& other … Comic Book-ish noises, here.)

Kick Ass.

That’s me.

***

11:39 am

Ooof.

Next stop: shower.

How did it get to be so late?

By the time I really get into my day, it’s gonna be like, 1:00!

And then, it’ll be five, and then, ten, eleven, twelve…

I won’t sleep – again – and then, tomorrow morning and my List will be even longer and …

Okay.

That productive feeling is … it’s … 

…gone.

What happened to Kick Ass?

***

12:12 pm

 

I’m kinda …tired.

Really. Tired.

-Can I get an “Oy Veh” up in here?????

***

12:50 pm

My limbs feel like lead.

Resistance is futile.

I mean, physical therapy would have a cow if I didn’t rest after a walk.

The rule of thumb -these days- is a minimum of 20 minutes’ rest after *any* activity that is tasking…

Cognitively. Physically. Emotionally.

Generally.

(So, uh, Mom??

We gotta cut down on the 3-calls- a-day-dealio.)

I’m now totally down for some quality napping.

And by “down” I mean, “I hate to admit it, but that walk just wiped me out.”

This is so how I roll: Up. Down. Up. Down. Up.

But no… I’m not going down that easy.

No WAY am I going back under.

No blankets for me.

No entry into the sweet calm and dim interior of my boudoir.

Not gonna skip out on catching up on the day.

Will. Not. Succumb. To. The. Call. Of. The. Bed.

…Of my cozy new, 600 thread count, wheat colored, block patterned sheets. That keep me warm when it’s cold, or cool in the heat.

Nope.

Not gonna do it.

Not me.

I’ve got …stuff to do.

Lotsa stuff.

I’m chanting, in my head.

Distractions are good.

Distractions.

(-Self-restraint is TAXING, dude!!)

 

…I’m thinking “BASEBALL.”

All kinds of …baseball.

(Derek Jeter’s glutes *not* included.)

Yup…

I’m focusing on …baseball-ey things.

Like…

Stealing third base.

Pitching a curveball.

Sweaty,

Dirty,

Sliding into Home. Plate.

Scoring.

Hitting

Home.

Runs.

(Wait. Um…I thought this was supposed to HELP!)

Gulp.

X

B