Archive | November 2011

THE TRACKS OF MY TEARS

“THE TRACKS OF MY TEARS”

Wednesday

11/2/11

I’m *still* in bed: 9:41 AM.

But hey!

I actually SLEPT for a few hours @ a stretch last night!!

-Miracle.

Though the lure of yet more rest beckons, I’m rousing myself, body, mind, through sheer force of will, contemplating what is surely a “Chicken/Egg” paradox – which comes first? The waking of the body or the waking of the mind??

Ah. Well. The point is, I’m conscious.

I am committed.

And how easy to begin, really.

How lovely, to rise and meet this beautiful, bright day, comfortably cool and windy enuf to make my chimes sing without pause.

…I have decided to be optimistic, you see, in spite of the challenges I know lie ahead.

Yet as I write this very thought, another moves thru me, biting the edges of my resolve.

I can almost hear myself saying, to myself, “REALLY??”

Man.

This is too believable.

The Irony, that as I would begin, so would the onset of The Beast: aka Cluster Headache.

It is the very antithesis to that productive part of me, that “get up and go.”

It rages against my commitment, and resolve.

Signs of the Beast unfold:

The burning behind my eye.

The pain.

The confusion.

 

I feel the tepid tears begin their journey, the watery trail making their way from the outer corner of my left eye, aching, swollen, to my neck, collarbone, chest…

My eye weeps, independent of emotion or symmetry.

My entire body begins to ache, from top to bottom, inside, out.

This is possibly the most debilitating symptom of my Cluster Headaches.

The pain… it’s nearly indescribable.

And ….

To cap the “wtf” factor off, I’ve got a mad lower back injury which is startlingly painful. Hurts to lie down. To stand. To roll over, to sit. (-Dude. Sounds like I’m a Dog.)

Speaking of …

Benny needs a walk.

And breakfast.

So do I. (breakfast, that is!)

Anyway, I’ve got to work thru this pain. I’ve GOT to!!

So.

I want to start my day by making a smoothie, unloading dishwasher, making my bed, riding my bike for 30 minutes (or longer…) stretching, doing crunches, taking a shower.

Ummmmm…

Wait.

Wow. Reality Check 101: that’s not “starting” a day. That isn’t ONE thing.

It’s …wow. It’s so much!

(And still, I am so bloody HARD on myself. So ready to look at what I haven’t done, rather than what I have done. Maybe I have really become a ‘Glass Half Empty’ Girl. Ouch….)

And then there’s all the REAL LIFE stuff to do! Check emails, voice messages, rsvp, post my new blogs, deal with bills, debtors, paperwork, errands, and the seemingly endless ‘michegas’ of medical stuff to do.

-The most frustrating thing is how these simple things are -each one, in and of itself – enuf action to put me “down” for hours.

I tire so easily.

The basic rule I’ve got to follow, per my rehab, is this: I’m to rest for like 15 minutes after every …strenuous activity.

… Lame, I know, but SHOWERING can be strenuous!

-How do you make a productive day, then, out of bits and pieces??

Can you really define a day as “successful” based upon the achievement of such simple tasks??

What if my calls don’t get made bc I’m too tired bc I emptied the *dishwasher*?

When do the important things get done??

How do I do this alone??

Christ, I’m so scared.

xox