Archive | June 2012

HOW TO RULE THE WORLD IN FIVE (NOT SO) EASY STEPS…

I’m DONE! I made it thru the procedure. Cath ANGIOGRAM #8: success (see news updates for more info!).

(ever notice that there is always at least one HOT doctor on staff?)

DR. Mitchell ROCKS! I really appreciated his bedside manner… that is until he started shoving four inch needles into my left groin in preperation for the even BIGGER catheter that was to come…

(omg. It hurt. It SUCKED. It’s over.)

Still love him… he’s fab… but I think the honeymoon stage has PASSED!

Now, 4 hrs flat on my back. Bed rest. Can’t move my left leg.

But IT. IS. OVER.

WHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next step: See Dr. Steinberg.

Surgery.

Recover.

Rehab.

Rule The World.(ok. That was a little much.)

XO

B

IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD….

6.28.12

I made it to Stanford okay. Yesterday.
Late.
So. I’m in okay spirits: long day.
It’s sinking in again … This is so real.

Day began with a dive into deep waters.

4 hrs of Neuro testing, where they grilled me on all kinds of cognitive stuff to assess my areas of progress/”decline.”

More on that later.

Then, a blood draw.

Then, string cheese. (a girl’s gotta eat. Ha!)

Then, a trip thru 35 minutes of insane traffic to get across CAMPUS to start the 2 hour long prep for my MRI w Nova Sequencing…shot full of toxins, stuck with two IV’s.

An hour, on my back, in a tube, unable to move, listening to the MRI CACOPHONY – aka “club beats” – and trying not to wriggle too much.
Not moving, AT ALL, actually!!

If I do, we have to start all over!!! Aaaaaaghhhh!!!!

(The machine emits a series of noises that can drive a person to madness (a short drive for me, some days…)

I imagine instead that I’m in the studio, producing, looking for just the right dope beat.

That I transform the grating noise into music is kinda cool. I think.

I mean, truly, the clatter will make the calmest person tense.

So.
Go, ME!!!!!
***

I really don’t know how I glide thru everyday life as though MMD ISN’T such a defining part of it.

Denial?
Acceptance?

It can be harder to accept the brain issues over (superficial) body ones.
I get down on myself BC I’ve had a ruff road from paralysis to walking.

Okay.
I’m BS-ing.
I’m miserable BC my physique is ….
Well, I’m … Puffy.
That’s right. You heard me.
Right now, I’m a puffnut.

(puffy. Nuts.
…. Know thyself, right?)

So Messed up. Harsh on myself.
The hate mail will be forthcoming.,(Love hate mail? Stop hating yourself mail???)

But the brain stuff??? It can be too scary to accept, some days.

Sometimes I think God, The Universe & The Buddah all conspired and gave me the trial of weight gain ( the bulk of which is a byproduct of not getting enuf blood and O2 to my hypothalamus …. But who’s splitting hairs???) as a way of reminding me to stop being such a workaholic and be good to my whole self. And that I have to work hard to heal my whole self.

Speaking of ….
I ate TERRIBLY yesterday. I probably took in 3k calories in fast food alone. Was scrambling, packing, rushing.

Just had no way to plan ahead for food when trying to be sure all fresh food has been consumed b4 leaving. Hate SLIMY month old food.

*Not normal eating for me.*
But it happens…

Dude.
I brought GYM CLOTHES WITH me!
…. I usually bring a yoga mat. It comforts me … but standing on my head for eight breaths isn’t really a super duper idea just yet. I’ve tried.
It really hurts.

But this was different: “omg, the hotel has a GYM!!”

I’m exercising Again!! Why not use the lovely amenities such as the pool? Hot Tub?

Gym?
……Do they offer Manis here?
I think that’s probably gonna be more my speed.

Yeah.

Moving on.
***
Movie on TV in background is “Dolphin Tale.”
I’m not really watching at all but I happen to look up just as this scene takes place:

Patient says to Dr:
“I’m ….Broken.”

Morgan Freeman’s character, the wizend old Doctor, throws a glass on the floor.

He says:
“No. THAT’S broken.”

I like that.

Apropos much??

Anyway … feeling re-empowered by that, my mind starts racing.

…..I’m gonna go hit the nautilus for an hour, do a hundred crunches, lift 80 lb dumbbells.

(That should get me good and ready for my Cath ANGIO micro surgery tomorrow am!!!!)

…Maybe I’ll start work on my Masters Thesis before bed.

…. Uh, yeah.

Wait. I forgot!!
(MOYA MOYA MOMENT!!!)

First, I gotta go cut that new club track.

Anyone know a studio nearby??

(…Anyone know a good SHRINK???)

:)
Thanks for all the Love, guys.
xox
B

10:50 pm
(OH YEAH. I REALLY NEED TO GO TO SLEEP!!!)

PS:
I LIED. IT’S NOW 11:30.
WAY TO PREP FOR YOUR CATH ANGIO TOMORROW AM, Bee!

(I “had” to fix some stuff that was not ….coherent. (Go figure.))

PPS:
(The ROOM I’M IN IS GREAT.
VERY RELAXING. THANK YOU!! ALL! For everything.)