Archive | August 2012

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE….

30 AUGUST 2012

 

Wednesday, August 29th. I’ve lost my beloved partner in crime, the Yin to my Yang, the one who has been here through it all:

Rise.

Fall.

(Ouch).

Surgery.

Recovery.

(In progress).

My beautiful little Benny.

Thank you to the Posse, who made these past few years so comfortable and happy for him. He was running and playing and wagging that fluffy white tail …up until his passing; before he slipped into his last “happy nappie” (on this plane).

To My Parents, who have loved Benny as their own. (So many of you did).

To my sibs, Jen and Brian…to My Cuz Dana… To “Auntie Me.” To Ted & The Brogan posse. To Lumberjack Rick (hey, Boo) “The Brat” & The Hopkins Family, to Chow Bella, Dr. Howard Brown (BEST. VET. EVER), to PAWS, LA, and the AMAZING VOLUNTEERS who have been a part of our lives (to Christine “At” Kelly, for your YEARS of loving assistance – u the best! & thanks to Georgia & Wendy). To Ian H. JD. Ron. To Holly.

And most of all, to his “packs” – dogger and human, alike:

To Kevin, Brandon and Mackenzie Buote -Benny found his people, at last. You gave him all that he wanted, needed and more.

And God Bless you, recent travelers from the East, who came to act as caregivers to me, but gave us all so much more: both Mazie and “O.M.G.!!” – “Gramma Gini” – for the remarkable loving kindnesses you showed us both with your words and deeds.

To Benny’s BROTHER: Maxer Man. To Frankie (“Frankenstein” the Cat); To Murph, who is fighting for his own life even as we speak; Lee Lee; Bodhi; Abby; Cassie Bear & Bailey; Sophie; Harley and Elmo.

Thanks to all of you.

Your kind words are a salve on a very deep, very raw wound.

***

After a few hours of wailing, alone with Kevin who -mercifully-happened to be home when this afternoon unfolded – of sobbing and crying, asking “Why???” over and over, I felt the rush of attachment, the crushing rage and denial burning within turn to a shocky state of cautious advancement towards acceptance.

I sensed the thrash and roar of pain dull some to turn down just enough to get still inside. I crooned to him, as I wrapped him up, a little at a time, getting myself on a (mostly) even keel again. I had a job to do: first, to tend to my little guy. One step at a time.

And then, to get composed.

Ish.

I had (and have) to be here for Brandon and Kenzie, who would arrive from school, anticipating that jingle of his collar and the “thrump, thrump” of his feet as he ambled down so many carpeted stairs to greet them at the door.

They would be expecting to walk him, feed him, play with him.

And oh -my heart broke for them more than my own.

These kids, who need me now *especially* as they look to me, and their father, to guide them thru our collective mourning, to help them to learn to cope with their unique and individual grief.

***

We have lost one of our pack.

This will take time…

And now? I am kind of … in a numb phase … but so profoundly sad beneath it all. Sad. And *so* moved, SO full of gratitude for the many adventures we’ve traveled, across the long years together.

Good LORD, Benny: I miss you so deeply already. I will be sleeping with your blanket as I take the morning’s quiet to let my soul breathe, to recoup from a sleepless night.

God willing, I shall dream dreams of you, replete with your infectious joy, my baby boy.

Peace to you, ALWAYS & FOREVER, my little man. I love you.

With Love,

Rebecca (B)

WHAM, BAM, FRANKLY, M’AAM…

“WHAM, BAM, FRANKLY, M’AAM…” (you’re a walking disaster)

14 August, 2012

The past week has been comprised of one Bee-sized disaster after another.

I am a walking freaking LAWSUIT.

An ER trip, PENDING one missed stair. (Pun intended)

First, I fell, going down the stairs to take my dog out. I hit my head, got knocked out and dropped the dog. He won’t come near me now. I feel terrible because I had no business trying to get him down several flights of stairs – much less in the middle of the night – when I myself cannot safely make such a trip. I feel horrible. I feel especially horrible because I have already played this tune once before this week. With The DOG. AT NIGHT.

(I didn’t drop him that time. Sigh…)

In embarrassing moment of my life #632, I fell off the toilet. Again, in the middle of the night. (WHAT? I was TIRED!!!!) I had the door halfway open, and started getting sleepy, so I put my elbows on my knees for support (aka MY CORE MUSCLES ARE SCREAMING “HELP ME!!!!!). The seal is busted, so the toilet moves. You can see this coming, right? One fell move and …well….I found myself yet again, intimately acquainted with the floor. The cold tile floor. In the dark. With my pj bottoms around my ankles.

Ah.. I am ever the Charmer.

(WHY do I POST THIS STUFF?????)

Speaking of …. The charming landlord who owns this pad is slow to move on things like, oh, busted loos or clogged tubs or broken windows. Or leaking toilets. Or busted blinds. Or a washer that EATS clothes. Literally. Well – chews them.

In this instance, as I shared so ….intimately, the seal on the toilet is broken, so it slides all over the place. You can literally go from the right to left side. Not that you should. Because the seal could cause a massive leak, as I understand it, resulting in a ton of waste water crashing thru the ceiling and landing on Brandon and Mackenzie’s Bunkbed. WHAT A WAY TO WAKE UP. Kenz sleeps up top .THAT would suck. (Talk about intimate, bleeeekkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!)

In a continuing House of Horrors situation, I’ve now overdosed twice in a week on my medication. I’ve forgotten I took it and taken it again too soon. This resulted in me breaking out in egregious hives. (Not that hives are ever a good thing). But this is some scary shit! REALLY scary. (From now on I am writing down the precise time when I take the meds. No more relying on other people to remember for me, or God Forbid, myself….)

Finally …. Now that I’ve gotten the “Wham” (falls) and “Bam” (more falls) out of the way, and have moved on to more drama …. I have to close out with this honest truth.

Rent is due and I can’t pay it. I am so scared.

This much is clear Has been clear. Contiunes to be clear.

I need help.

…I just *HURT*

My body feels like it is being burned, from the inside out. Eaten. Like a cancer. Bones, aching so badly I can hardly bear my own weight. Skin so sensitive, it hurts to be touched.

Sometimes, I just break down. I cry. I just ……….. who can take pain, day in and out?

And when the body pains finally abate? The CLUSTERS are there to take their place.

It’s like a warped dance. The pain is my partner.

I’d like to toss off my dancing shoes now, please!!!!!!!!!!

…And you know what really hurts? I mean, emotionally?

I feel like this might really just be how it is.

You know that saying: “It is what it is” ???

—I truly don’t know if I can live with that.

***

XO

B

PAIN, PAIN, GO AWAY…

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

10:24 PM

“PAIN, PAIN, GO AWAY…”

 

For a change (haha), a quick update. HA! Just kidding! Started off that way and then I took a few days to finish it and now my newly (re)acquired linear skills have pretty much ………yeah. Let’s just say, I appreciate you bearing with me. I don’t think this is too bad. (GREAT SELL, GIRL! GREAT SELL!) I just wanted to let y’all know the basics, the latest. I’m back in LA. My surgery was CANCELLED. Or postponed. IDK. It didn’t happen. Mom came. And Left. She was a stellar caregiver ….and I am still cranky that she’s gone. I loves me my Mommy time. So, in all, it’s been about 2 weeks (and change) and I’m still reeling, to be honest. But I’m starting to get back into a rhythm of sorts.

But, man. SURGERY. CANCELLED. W. T. F. ???

Okay. Truth? Trauma and all aside, this is both a good and bad thing. You can check out the video I posted (vlog) on the 3 rd of July for more deets, or wait for the written version. Bottom line is, I have other brain drama to deal with for now. But my right brain is getting enough blood to function at the moment, and this is a good thing because it means I am …kinda “stable.” (In context, of course.)

Being stable means this is the best possible time to begin to try and establish a “new normal.” I’ve done what I can on my own but I need professional help to get to the next level – one where I can work again, play again, try and be more “me” again. The great news is that I am the “perfect candidate” according to both my Doctors and rehab therapists, for the program “Rehab Without Walls,” itself… I know, as I have been referred to this amazing 18 month kick-ass, life-changing program, and accepted by the Rehab’s Intake Coordinator, over six times. (and this happened when I really WASN’T STABLE).

Because insurance doesn’t pay for it, and believe me, I have tried – I’ve appealed the denial over 4 times – we have begun a campaign to make it happen through other means. If you have any interest in helping with this, whatsoever, please, contact me or anyone on the Team. This is a critical time for me and I want to take advantage of it desperately.

People ask me frequently:

“So, what do you do with your days?” I struggle to answer this question time and again. As I’m kind of like a car whose motor never stops running, you can be assured I make good use of my time. But this is why I am so adamant that this Rehab begin: I’ve done everything else I can do to get “functional” and “back into a routine” and this is the final step. Rehab Without Walls.

If anyone can get through it, it’s me: I just cannot give up. I won’t.

That having been said, you must understand that I will do this under the most extreme circumstances. Put me in an Igloo in Alaska and I’ll talk my way back to LA to RWW. I need it. It’s just that simple. I tell you this knowing that it will be more brutal for me than most because on top of the issues I already face, there are the ones I am just now beginning to face down.

At the moment? They are pretty dire. The pain I feel is like ….a fire burning throughout my body, limb to limb. Bone to skin. Joint to Muscle. I HURT.

…. I am fighting to make it through each and every day and the primary reasons for this are threefold: I struggle with pain, severe pain, right now. Due, my MDs think, to the last surgery I had, I now have yet another wonky diagnosis: “Central Pain Syndrome.” YIKES!

It’s too awful to describe, as I am experiencing it at the moment. To give you a sample of what it can be like, however, I can tell you this. I tried to take Benny (my beloved Bichon Frise) down 3 flights of stairs in the middle of the night so he could do his biz-nass. Normally, the kids do this for me. Or .. Benny just loses it. Literally. I’ll be sleeping and hear:

“PSSSSSSSSSSSS…” and I know – NOT AGAIN! But whatever. In Dog Years, he’s like 100. If anyone’s deserved the right to have the occasional piss on the carpet, it’s Banjo.

There are days when I cannot WALK a flight of stairs because it is so excruciatingly painful.

So this was a big deal for me. Anyway, Banjolino (another one of Benny’s nicknames) and I were vertical one minute, and the next, I was sort of ….angular. I think I hit my head so hard I blacked out, temporarily. I fell. Thank God I kept hold of Benny. But I’m now sporting a nice black eye on my left side, and have some gnarly bruising on that side of my head.

Good Times.

So …. Thank God, Jesus, Mohammed, the Buddah, my next door neighbors, and this new author I really love, that I have a new Pain Management plan, but it hasn’t been implemented yet. I move slowly. But I am making steps towards that – I see my PCP next Friday, the 17 th , and we will begin the process of beginning to make it happen.

 

Of course, I am still having Brain Attacks. To complete the trifecta of medical Michegas, the Brain Attacks (whether mini-stroke or seizure) then cause my “VD” (vascular dementia, people – get your heads outta the gutter!!!) to go into a “downward spiral.” This means that whatever progress or baseline I have reached is lost temporarily again as my brain struggles to make sense of past and present, short and long term memory, etc. It affects my daily living in ways that are both mild and grave. I continue to be a paradox.

There is so much more, good and bad of course, but that’s the crux of it. Oh – and though fundraising efforts – FOR THE MOMENT – have essentially come to a halt, drips and dribbles still do come in. I am grateful for every single one. WE RAISED OVER $5,000 in one MONTH. My trip was covered almost totally, leaving about $2,750 left in medical bills (to be continued). THANK YOU, friends and family, especially to the small group of you who put your asses on the line for me: Kevin, Lily, Mom and Dad, Jen, Brian and Wendy? …. It paid off and thank you notes are still forthcoming. In the end, I miss being connected to you guys. I love you.

 

 

OH: AND I HAVE CONFIRMED THAT JAW SURGERY IS BOTH NECESSARY AND IMMINENENT. For those of you who give me the pleasure of your company, whether in person, vlog, virtual or phone, this means something big: me. With my mouth WIRED SHUT. For “months,” according to my new specialist.

(Don’t laugh too hard, or clap too loud about this. Remember, I still possess Ninja Skills. I will chase you down and whoop yo’ butt. Just as soon as I can run again.)

 

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

XOX

B

To Read the Full Story, OR More, PLEASE: Go To:

1.) http://rebeccasrecovery.webs.com — IF YOU R NOT A MEMBER, JOIN PLEASE.

2.) Indiegogo.com/rebeccasrecovery

3.) www.sweetrelief.org

4.) www.facebook.com/songbirdla

 

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!