30 AUGUST 2012
Wednesday, August 29th. I’ve lost my beloved partner in crime, the Yin to my Yang, the one who has been here through it all:
My beautiful little Benny.
Thank you to the Posse, who made these past few years so comfortable and happy for him. He was running and playing and wagging that fluffy white tail …up until his passing; before he slipped into his last “happy nappie” (on this plane).
To My Parents, who have loved Benny as their own. (So many of you did).
To my sibs, Jen and Brian…to My Cuz Dana… To “Auntie Me.” To Ted & The Brogan posse. To Lumberjack Rick (hey, Boo) “The Brat” & The Hopkins Family, to Chow Bella, Dr. Howard Brown (BEST. VET. EVER), to PAWS, LA, and the AMAZING VOLUNTEERS who have been a part of our lives (to Christine “At” Kelly, for your YEARS of loving assistance – u the best! & thanks to Georgia & Wendy). To Ian H. JD. Ron. To Holly.
And most of all, to his “packs” – dogger and human, alike:
To Kevin, Brandon and Mackenzie Buote -Benny found his people, at last. You gave him all that he wanted, needed and more.
And God Bless you, recent travelers from the East, who came to act as caregivers to me, but gave us all so much more: both Mazie and “O.M.G.!!” – “Gramma Gini” – for the remarkable loving kindnesses you showed us both with your words and deeds.
To Benny’s BROTHER: Maxer Man. To Frankie (“Frankenstein” the Cat); To Murph, who is fighting for his own life even as we speak; Lee Lee; Bodhi; Abby; Cassie Bear & Bailey; Sophie; Harley and Elmo.
Thanks to all of you.
Your kind words are a salve on a very deep, very raw wound.
After a few hours of wailing, alone with Kevin who -mercifully-happened to be home when this afternoon unfolded – of sobbing and crying, asking “Why???” over and over, I felt the rush of attachment, the crushing rage and denial burning within turn to a shocky state of cautious advancement towards acceptance.
I sensed the thrash and roar of pain dull some to turn down just enough to get still inside. I crooned to him, as I wrapped him up, a little at a time, getting myself on a (mostly) even keel again. I had a job to do: first, to tend to my little guy. One step at a time.
And then, to get composed.
I had (and have) to be here for Brandon and Kenzie, who would arrive from school, anticipating that jingle of his collar and the “thrump, thrump” of his feet as he ambled down so many carpeted stairs to greet them at the door.
They would be expecting to walk him, feed him, play with him.
And oh -my heart broke for them more than my own.
These kids, who need me now *especially* as they look to me, and their father, to guide them thru our collective mourning, to help them to learn to cope with their unique and individual grief.
We have lost one of our pack.
This will take time…
And now? I am kind of … in a numb phase … but so profoundly sad beneath it all. Sad. And *so* moved, SO full of gratitude for the many adventures we’ve traveled, across the long years together.
Good LORD, Benny: I miss you so deeply already. I will be sleeping with your blanket as I take the morning’s quiet to let my soul breathe, to recoup from a sleepless night.
God willing, I shall dream dreams of you, replete with your infectious joy, my baby boy.
Peace to you, ALWAYS & FOREVER, my little man. I love you.