Dear Diary

DEAR DIARY:

What causes pain? Are there any triggers? What comes to mind?

Keep a diary for a day of whatever words come into your stream-of-consciousness.

My doctor told me to write this down. Here goes….

 

FLARES, TRIGGERS & WHY: A LITTLE LIFE MUSIC

–LIFE ON LIFE’s TERMS.

Meetings.

Cleaning. Messes. Chores. Lists. Loans.

Dust. Lust. Products. Perfume. Amazon.

Broken stuff. Wish lists. Bracelets.

Diamonds. Money. Fear.

Insomnia.

Stepping towards success (again).

8 years of catch up to do.

Financial aid applications.

Appointments. Ointments. Meds.

Insurance.

Need.

 

Coulda

Woulda

Shoulda

 

The song on the radio that I cant get out of my head.

All of Me.

Weddings. Plans.

Delegation. Celebration.

Planning ahead.

Looking back.

 

Therapy.

Kids’ therapy. Couples’ therapy. Pre-marital counseling.

My therapy.

Apologies. Explanations. Listening.

Patience.

Listening.

 

Weeping. Sweeping.

Freaking. Tweaking.

Words.

 

Pain.

Cluster headaches.

Body Pain.

Skin on fire.

Joints screaming.

Weeping.

 

The radio.

The latest NBT.

Being a hater.

Feeling lost.

Then.

Now.

When?

How?

 

Writing a song.

Not writing a song.

An unfinished song.

 

SINGING THE SONG.

(in full voice!)

 

Playing guitar. NOT playing guitar —

RE-LEARNING GUITAR.

 

New apps.

Old thinking.

 

Being “in.”

Being “out.”

Girls…

Lovely Legs. Dancing.

Walking without tripping.

Sipping water. More water. Water. Water. REALLY? Water. Lemon. Raspberry. Just drink.

 

Surfing the web.

Checking my balance.

Groceries.

Produce. Planning.

 

Space.

My storage unit.

Stuff.

Color…

 

Exercise.

Meetings.

Making dinner.

Cleaning.

Sleep.

 

Making plans.

Breaking plans.

Keeping plans.

 

Tweeting. Instagramming. Facebooking. Blogging.

Not blogging (even tho I’ve written the blogs.)

 

Loneliness.

Fear.

Illness(es).

ISMS.

 

“Crazy” relatives. Death.

Sadness.

Poverty.

 

Memory. Stress. Fatigue. Pain.

Emotions… Conversations.  Long phone calls.

Long distance.

Love.

Nagging (self and others). Friendships (to maintain, reignite and DISCOVER…)

Loss.

Therapy.

COPAYS.

Taxes.

Bills bills bills.

From six figures to FOUR figures.

Lame.

Fear.

 

DYSFUNCTIONAL BRAIN WAVES.

cluster headaches.

Body pain.

Clutter.

Migraine.

 

Yoga.

Volunteering. Mentoring. Jane Espenson. Writing. Writing. Writing.

Water.

Plants. Sleep. Snacks. Cooking.

Midnight Snacks.

Brandon.

Cookies. Guilt.

 

Benny.

Longing.

Aching.

 

Hunger. Thirst. T(w)eens. Bickering,

Sass talk. Grades. Clothes. I want I need I  want I need —–

Trends.

Friends.

Travel.

 

Stuff stuff stuff.

 

Planning.

Partnership.

Unconditional love.

Babies. Benny.

Manis.

Pedis.

The hobo across the street.

 

Comedy. Reading.

Tech.

Books. Magazines. Messages. Phones. Ringing. Waiting. Email.

Writing.

Pain. Sleep.

Loss.

Guilt.

 

Love. Sex. Broken beds. Meds.  Money. Dishes.

Fear. Living in the past. Living in the future. Wants. Needs. Cans. Cant’s. Isolation. Stimulation – Information overload.

NETFLIX Binges.

Gmail. Email. Ads. Deals. Holidays. Birthdays. Events. Reminders. Cell phones. Computers. Tablets. Wants. Needs. Oooh’s and Aaaah’s.

Too much tech.

 

Debt.

 

Dust. Dirt. Curtains. Bubblebaths. Pain. Tech.

Weight Watchers. Points. Yoga. Salad.

 

Kids.

Clothes.

Cars.

 

Thank you notes. To Do’s.

Church.

Fundraising.

Need. Guilt. Sadness. Pain.

 

Neighbors.

Noise.

Traffic.

Laundry.

Mail.

Computers. Backups.

People calling. People NOT calling.

Colleagues.

Singing. Writing.

Pills.

Lessons. Training.

 

Rehab Rehab Rehab.

 

 

Kev.

Love.

 

Mom. Pops.

Gin.

Kenz.

Brandon.

Ryan. Kyrsten. Need.

 

Bro.

Sis.

Jus.

D.

E.

 

Fleming.

 

Dana.

My relatives.

 

Virginia…

Cece.

Lar.

Debbie. Tiger.

Hollz.

Cathy. Jules. Erika. Courtney (WHY?!)

 

Ron, Rick, Richard…

Allan.

Sivani… Sivani Lani Laner Bee…

Distance. Time zones.

 

Ads. Wars. News. Worry.

 

Vermont.

NYC.

LA.

NC.

Belonging.

Beaches. Sunscreen. Skin.

The ocean.

Malibu.

Home. Longing.

Sea Breezes.

 

Heat waves. Cold snaps.

Rain. Longing. Laughter.

Hot.

Cold.

Love.

US.

Hope.

Light.

Night.

Anxiety.

Kleenex.

TV.

The kids.

 

Breakfast. Showers.

Routine.

Biking.

Bedding.

Sheets. Towels.

Laundry.

Lists.

Reminders.

To do’s.

Alerts. Email. Family. Friends.

Tears.

Meditation.

Deep breaths.

 

Teaching.

 

My career.

 

Then.

Now.

Later.

 

MRI. TBI.

Moyamoya.

 

B-Cause.

Sweet Relief.

Charity.

Websites. Education. Information. Trials and Tribulations.

 

Money.

Music.

Travel.

Stanford.

 

Neurologists.

Blah-Ologists.

Specialists.

Hospitals.

Illness.

Moyamoya. Then. Now.

Why.

Bills. Collections. Fundraising. Embarrassment.

Shame.

Fear.

 

Exes.

Sex.

Kids. Worry. Sleep.

 

Bills.

Wills.

Planning –

The law.

Migration.

Prestige.

 

Law school.

Politics.

Business.

Success.

Prestige. Plans.

 

Singing. Stages. Pages. Wages.

Riding Horses. Pictures.

Memories.

Longing.

Bichons…

Benny.

 

Unread emails. Unread texts. Unsent messages. Neglect.

Old friends. Connections. Emotions. Errands. Gasoline. Car washes. Beauty shops. Fast Food.

Smart Food.

Dumb Blondes.

Palm trees. Sunsets. Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun.

Colors. Art. Therapy. Talking. Walking. Thinking. Drinking (water). Aspirin.

 

Poetry.

Painting.

Books.

Cults.

Therapy.

Meds.

Men.

Girls. Girls. Girls.

 

Fear.

Preparation.

Goals.

Determination.

Intention.

Type A.

B cups.

C notes.

 

Music.

Expectation.

The Game.

My standing.

Strength.

Rebuilding.

Tests.

Appointments to make.

Endo.

Neuro. ETC ETC ETC….

Dental. Vision.

More More More.

Dementia. VD!

 

Breasts.

Bras.

Mammograms.

Labs.

Brain scans.

Weight loss.

Weight loss.

Pounds. Fat. Muscle Tone.

 

Clothes. Shoes.

Blues.

 

Shopping. Malls. Makeup. Mail. Kids.

Laughter. Games. Growing pains.

School supplies and uniforms.

Glasses and classes.

Pens and Paper. Trees. Worry. Books.

 

Goals.

Gratitude.

Clutter. Shame.

Family. Pain.

Fear. Anger.

Age.

Looks. Changes.

Stasis.

 

My CLOSET.

Clutter.

Beauty.

Money.

 

My face.

My nose.

My smile.

My jaw.

My Pores.

My body.

Stretch marks. Frown lines.

— That thing that looked a lot like a not-brown hair.

Denial.

 

My nails.

My teeth. My eyes.  My skin.

My hair. (Keep it here, ditch it there….)

 

Mirrors.

Scars.

Art on the walls.

Broken promises and broken chairs.

A set of brass balls.

 

Mom.

 

My brain.

 

My brain.

 

Miracles. Faith.

Growing up.

Looking back.

 

LA.

Beauty.

Sadness.

 

Gravity. Levity.

Hormones. Meds. Noise. Texts. Alarms.

Moods.

Temperature changes. Phone calls. To do’s.

Exercise. Guilt. Grace. Food.

Food, Food. Planning. Frustration. Blessings.

God.

TV. Radio. News. Therapy.

Memories.

TRAFFIC.

Air conditioning.

Noise.

Stagnation.

Heat.

Tests.

The smell of hospital sheets.

Needles. Vials. Tubes. Wiles.

Will.

Power.

Songs.

 

Latitude. Space. Sharing.

Promises. Complications.

Anxiety.

Triggers.

Pain.

Life. Death. Blah fricking Blah Blah Blah…

Faith.

 

I should be –

I could be –

I WILL BE-

 

I hope.

I need.

I want.

I could.

 

I used to.

I have to.

I forgot.

Again.

 

***

 

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